Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
You Might Also Like
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood