Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
You Might Also Like
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
mom had nothing to worry about
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom