I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
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Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Bringing home a sharpie
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit