We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
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You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Who wants to be my Valentine?
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
the noise i just made
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house