dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
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[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked