Motion detecting home security camera working well!
You Might Also Like
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
two people or more is called a problem
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I’m sure it’s fine.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.