Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
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I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
philosophical skeletons be like
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
That was easy.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.