Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
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You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no