I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
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Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Netflix: We have Less
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body