She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
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152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.