The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
You Might Also Like
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
When you “pspspsp” too hard
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.