Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
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valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Carpe DM
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you