I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
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me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.