“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
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I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi