Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
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When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.