[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
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well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Friday
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Dammit Chief not again
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.