i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
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If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.