Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
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I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to