We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
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He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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