CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
You Might Also Like
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.