(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
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[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.