Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
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my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
#JohnTravolta
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner