Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
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#ProTip
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.