Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
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Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.