Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
You Might Also Like
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Looking at you, Jesus.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now