Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
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A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Oh yeah that’s it
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.