I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
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Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
(Gaming support cat.)
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder