Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
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Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.