Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
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My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most