If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
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DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.