Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
You Might Also Like
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
shit just got real
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies