Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
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Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?