I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
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If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.