Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
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8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
[montage of me giving-up]
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.