Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
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Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”