Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
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me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
This is my cat’s medicine.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”