After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
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when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Name another movie that mislead you?
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Sharon, call the vet
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO