Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
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Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Worst bar ever.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.