Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
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I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
and now we wait
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.