her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
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I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
A choir of Spring onions
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity