There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
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The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots