Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
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[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
12653.