Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
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Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I have a black belt in leather
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel