Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
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Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”