“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
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[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!