If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
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Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
But that’s none of my business
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Europe. Made in Germany.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato