“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
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Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I finally found a reason to live again.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Anyone want a chair?
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
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