General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
You Might Also Like
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”