My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
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you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Omg 🤣
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Traveler’s camo
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.