(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
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I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]